Everything I've Done in My Career Has Terrified Me

Recently I was asked to be the keynote speaker at the dinner for the Congressional Radio and TV correspondents in Washington, D.C. When I got the offer, my impulse was to decline. It seemed daunting. Mostly because in spite of my work on “The Daily Show,” I have never really seen myself as a comedian.

“I am not a standup comic,” I told myself. “I’m not smart enough, not funny enough, etc…” You know, the usual suspects of voices emerged from my subconscious. Truth is, I was scared. I also knew well enough to know that everything I have done in my career, I have done while also being simultaneously terrified and feeling completely undeserving. That time I became a fake journalist, that time I starred in a musical on Broadway, that time I wrote and starred in my own film, that time I got asked to be a writer on a TV show, etc... all of these things seemed initially terrifying.

So when this opportunity came up, I fired the “voices of treason” in my head and I hired some writers instead. I went to comedy clubs and worked on my set and prepared myself. In that preparation and through that process, I discovered what it is I wanted to say so that finally a few weeks later when I got up there in front of the media and gov’t elite, my attitude was like – fuck them! I realized that I didn’t care if they laughed because in that moment, my success was no longer determined by external validation but determined by saying what I wanted to say.

After having achieved a certain level of success today, people often ask me to say something inspiring about my career and my road to success. It’s usually to college students, or young people wanting to break into the entertainment industry — or an old Indian man who is a distant friend of my father’s who has a nephew in India and would I produce his one-man show on Broadway? I find this is always disconcerting because I honestly don’t know what advice to give. I think what people usually want to hear is something about following one’s dreams, bucking the system or bravely never taking No for an answer.

I have struggled with these notions, these ideas that somehow bravery and risk-taking are all you need for success. When you are an actor, you know far too many people who took the risk, who were brave, but didn’t become rich and famous. I have never felt particularly brave, I often took No for an answer, and if I bucked the system and didn’t become a doctor or a lawyer it was because I got terrible grades in everything except Drama and English.

I have spoken in the past about the lucky accident. It was introduced to me in acting class. The idea that some incredible moment came out of something that was either not intentional or rather something didn’t work, and so necessity became the mother of invention. The most famous example of this was when Steven Spielberg couldn’t get the mechanical shark to work on the set of “Jaws” and so they ended up creating an iconic and frightening alternative that made the film an instant classic. A lucky accident. The thing that you cannot predict but if you seize it, it may or may not change the course of your destiny.

There have been many of those on my path toward success. I have spoken to people about collaboration with others and it’s true, nothing can be achieved without collaboration. Whatever success I have, it is because I stand on the shoulders of many people who took a chance on me, who saw something in me that they thought was worth the effort, and they believed in me. There are a handful of them and they represent inflection points in my life — and I can never thank them enough.

Truth is, I don’t know what the hell success even means. I have failed at so many things in life, it’s hard to feel like a success. I wake up everyday thinking about all the stuff I have failed at.

Perhaps the only thing that makes sense is this: Say something. Say it and don’t care if it makes you rich, successful, funny or gives you status. Don’t even worry if it brings you happiness. There is this tremendous focus on happiness these days. There is this idea that somehow you are entitled to be happy and just because you exist, you are entitled to be recognized. I don’t think anyone in life did anything meaningful because they were happy. Did they? I mean did they? They were seeking redemption, they were seeking a way to fight their demons, they were struggling with their pain. and they needed to say something. They needed to build something, whatever, but it was not because they were so happy. Edison didn’t say, “I’m so happy – I’m going to invent electricity.” Gandhi didn’t say, “I’m so happy I think I will inspire the liberation of a country.”

My favorite quote is by Mother Teresa. She is believed to have said: “I do what I do, because there is a Hitler inside of me.” I love that quote because it sums up the human condition. It’s about integrating your dark and your light, it’s about doing battle with the thing in yourself that terrifies you the most, or the thing that you hate about yourself. So the only thing I can say about success is that perhaps we need to stop looking for happiness, money, fame, love, status and recognition and instead go find “the Hitler” inside of ourselves and spend the rest of our lives trying to wrestle him to the ground. If you succeed, you might feel successful, but most probably you will be too old for anyone to care.