7 Ways to Turn Conflict Around

Do you want to turn conflict or communication challenges around? Use conflict to build connection? Here is a cheat sheet of 7 communication strategies to help you do just that!

Step 1. Do NOT react; instead use the conflict at hand to build one of your most important 3Q Edge skills, "constructive discontent". While our first instinct when confronted with conflict is often to react, or retreat this is often one of the most counterproductive ways to handle conflict. Strive not to react, but to respond in a way that takes communication forward.

Step 2. Be aware of the five most common ways you can give up your power to turn communication challenges around. Five ways that our automatic fight or flight response kicks in and can cause us to react or retreat rather than to respond in a way that takes communication forward. Becoming aware of these 5 mechanisms will help you learn to identify them and not use them!

Denial - If we don’t think about it, it doesn’t exist or will go away by rationalizing or minimizing. We can deny the problem all together, or we can deny our anxiety be becoming aggressive, confrontational or carrying a chip on our shoulder.

Avoidance – We know the conflict is there, but we don’t want to deal with it, and make or find excuses to not deal with it.

Projection – Permits us to deny our own faults by projecting these faults onto others.

Reaction Formation – Adopting the traits or mannerisms of the person with whom they are engaged in conflict.

Displacement – Attacking the other person by changing the original topic of conflict, with some other unrelated complaint.

Escalation – A person will respond to the conflict by blowing it out of proportion, or expressing their own needs, by acting overly melodramatic, and appearing too needy for attention.

Pause; circumvent the automatic fight or flight response, by waiting for it to pass.

Step 3. Become a better listener. Take a moment to understand the objectives of the person fueling the conflict. Walk in their shoes. Make sure you really understand what the other party wants. What do they really want, what are they feeling that is compelling them to create a conflict? Has something done or said invalidated them in some way causing the current impasse? Is there a communication problem that has caused mutual misperceptions, perhaps mis- information?

Step 4. Become a better communicator. Develop your communication skills by learning to open the ears of your audience. Use verbal cues, language that resonates with the recipient of your communication. Deliver messages in a way that builds trust and does not invalidate the other party. Knowledge is not power if you are delivering an important message or advice that is not heard.

Step 4. Build constructive discontent. On a superficial level constructive discontent is your ability to stay grounded and focused on your objectives, your true goals during an argument or conflict. On a deeper level, constructive discontent is a learned skill, a leadership skills that will help YOU feel a difficult emotion, but not act upon it. Feeling the emotion, not being held hostage by it but re- focusing YOUR true objective is critical.

Step 5. Focus on the shared objective. Begin again from the center of the table. Focus on the objective you and the other person share, the common goal, rather than the difference in your proposed solutions. If you need to discuss feelings do not be accusatory, do not invalidate the other person’s position. Reflect their position to them, make them understand they are heard AND focus on the common objective that you share.

6. Validate. Validate the other party’s opinion/position. You do not have to agree, but you must let them know that you have heard their position. Alternatives must be framed in a way that does not invalidate the other person’s position, but shows them how the alternative will benefit them and your shared objectives

7. Agree and Resolve, if possible. When a resolve is accomplished, both parties must be clear about what they are agreeing to and abide by their agreement. Make sure that everyone clearly understands and agrees with what has been decided.

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