Do You Know Any “Help-Rejecting Complainers”?
Gretchen Rubin
6x NYT Bestselling Author | Host of the "Happier with Gretchen Rubin" Podcast | Order "Life in Five Senses," out now in paperback
Assay: A while back, at a book event, a woman asked, “My eighty-year-old mother lives with me, and she’s always complaining. I try to be positive and helpful, but nothing helps. I suggest all sorts of things to help cheer her up: ‘Why don’t you take a class?’ ‘Why don’t you go for a walk?’ ‘Why don’t you call your old neighbors?’ But she just say no, no, no. What should I do?”
I read an article that might be useful for this kind of situation.
In a paper called “Complaining” by Robin Kowalski and Janet Erickson, in a fascinating volume, Aversive Interpersonal Behaviors (I read these books so you don’t have to), I read a description of “help-rejecting complainers.”
A “help-rejecting complainer” is a person who complains as a way to seek help and support, but then rejects any help that’s offered.
When someone tries to make a constructive suggestion, such as “Why don’t you try…?” or “Could you…?” — the help-rejecter insists that the advice is useless. In fact, help-rejecting complainers sometimes seem proud to be beyond help.
People often get annoyed when talking to help-rejecters because 1) the help-rejecter wants attention, and 2) it’s very frustrating when attempts to help are constantly refused.
If you’re facing a help-rejecting complainer, it can be useful just to realize this category of behavior. If you’re dealing with a help-rejecter, don’t wear yourself out by trying to dream up creative new suggestions.
The paper suggests responding by acknowledging that you’ve heard the complaint and asking what the complainer intends to do – that way, the complainer is put in the position of coming up with a possible solution. If no solution is possible, just acknowledge the complaint and move on.
Of course, we should try to help a person who genuinely seeks help. But sometimes efforts to help will just drain and distress us, without benefit to anyone.
I'm reminded of the way that Tiggers and Eeyores can manage to engage without polarizing and draining each other.
As always, with happiness, the secret is mindfulness. Whether as a help-giver and help-getter, it’s useful to step back from any particular conversation and to look for broader patterns of behavior, especially when interactions with a particular person always seem to end unhappily.
Do you know anyone who fits the description of a help-rejecter? How do you handle it?
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Photo: deemikay, Flickr
Software Services Leader
10yI think those of us who have worked with someone like this, knows exactly what this article is talking about. Some people on here may not have had the "Pleasure" of dealing with an individual like this. Unfortunately, I have had an issue identical with this at my current client. Now, I have some insight and at least a "classification" for this individual. Good article!
Quality Assurance at TOWER TECH AFRICA
10ycomplaining is an act of dissatisfaction and lack of acceptance .Do something to a standard satisfactory and to a level of acceptance.Otherwise complainant should visit a psychiatrist .
Independent Writing and Editing Professional
10yThanks for the insights, Gretchen. I am facing this at times in caring for my husband. It's tough for him not to be able to move about freely and do things he once enjoyed. My career as an occupational therapist made me a problem solver. Now I have to realize that some problems are not mine to solve. My friend suggested a technique she used with her mother when she visited her at a convalescent home. When her mother started a tirade of complaints, she simply said, "I'll come back when you feel better." Then she walked off. When she returned a short time later, her mother was calm and sociable. I am simply no longer making as many suggestions. Listening and letting him know I care seems to be more helpful. I love the serenity prayer. I am learning more about mindfulness and living in the Now. Keeping myself in balance and trusting God to give me wisdom and strength keeps me going.
Owner/President of Cammack Belle Inc, Published Author and Blogger of Living An Abundant Life.
10yI love the suggestion for a help rejecter. Asking them what they are planning on doing about the situation is perfect. I will use it. Thank you!
I've been dealing with this with my aging aunt and uncle. They told me they wanted to move but each time we were close--they changed their mind. When I'm having a conversation that starts with complaining, I will ask "Do you want this to change?" She knows the only way it will change is by moving. If she says "But I don't want to move," I finish with "I'm sorry but I don't have any other solution to offer," and then change the subject. You can't complain but be unwilling to do anything about it. When you allow it for protracted periods of time, it's a form of enabling. It's also helpful to reinforce that this is a CHOICE they are selecting. They choose this life because they choose not to change. It's difficult to do in practice but much healthier than being in the drama.