Peace Talks for the Mommy Wars

Though the event name would suggest otherwise, the Aspen Ideas Festival did not seem to be focused exclusively on new issues and ideas. That’s the impression I get when I read ad nauseam reports on PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi’s proclamation that women cannot have it all.

Bigggggg lonnnnng yawwwwwn.

This is not a new proclamation. This is an old argument. This is fuel for an unnecessary Mommy War that seems to have no end.

My proclamation is that a ceasefire is way overdue. As a never-anything-but a working mother I know the push-pull of career and motherhood. But I also know that even the CEOs of major corporations can perpetuate an argument that is moot.

Here is why it makes no sense to argue: A woman’s decision to work cannot solely be based on her desire to pursue professional interests or her desire to make motherhood a career. It’s not a question of whether you can do both or “have it all”…it’s a question of whether you should do both (however challenging that may be).

Many mothers who say they cannot pursue paid work because it is not possible or advisable to “have it all” should actually take a closer look at their long-term financial security. I’m not talking about the mothers who struggle every day to make ends meet. I’m talking about the mothers who have some level of current financial stability in middle class to affluent worlds and aren’t thinking about life’s “you never knows”.

Let’s reframe the “can you have it all” discussion along with Sheryl Sandberg’s controversial “lean in” debate. Reasonable minds know that motherhood success does not hinge on 24/7 availability. Reasonable minds also know that not all women are interested in the C-suite and that endless high-level volunteer opportunities do offer alternate and meaningful ways to capitalize on expensive undergraduate and graduate degrees. There are indeed many paths to life fulfillment, but without a doubt women need to “lean in” whichever direction holds the greatest promise of long-term financial security. And, when the “pursue it all” or stay home decision is considered through a very pragmatic lens, much of the angst, guilt and finger-pointing disappears. You work—and do your best to juggle work and motherhood--if you don’t have all your financial bases covered, and you can safely choose not to work if you do.

For some women (primarily those in the “1%” highest economic strata), combining work and motherhood is more a choice of personal fulfillment than a matter of necessity. The rest of the women—the other 99%--cannot so easily dismiss work or the idea of "pursuing it all". There is no lifetime guarantee on a spouse’s job (or any promise that a laid off spouse will find comparable work). There are few ways to predict if illness will strike your family, causing unreimbursed medical bills or a breadwinner’s long-term disability. Many marriages end (often the couples you’d least expect), and divorced women can be at a great economic disadvantage. One or more elderly parents can outlive their savings and need the support of their adult children. And even just one of these calamities combined with the expected expense of maintaining a home, buying cars, sending children to camp, tutors, college and more—can push saving for your own retirement to the last priority on your monthly budget list.

By any measure few Americans—even those in affluent communities—have enough money saved to fund a retirement that could last 30 years or more. In most households that means that more than one spouse needs to pursue it all to reach retirement savings goals—and insure against life’s “you never knows”.

We’ve all been advised to “save for a rainy day”, but in my book that is the cart before the horse. It’s hard to save money until earnings exceed expenses. Many women need to contribute some money to the household income to generate the surplus that can be invested and saved.

So if long-term financial security is not a certainty carved in stone, choosing to pursue it all as best you can should be based less on emotional parenting beliefs—and more on pragmatic financial needs for every age and stage. Women who devote their lives 24/7 to children need to consider if they could burden those same children by running out of money late in life.

At the end of the day, let’s accept that we’re all good mothers. The better mother is not the one who climbs the corporate ladder or the one who attends every soccer game or school play. The better mother is the one who faces reality, plans for life contingencies and makes certain that she tucks her family into a future that is financially secure and safe.

Kathryn Sollmann empowers women to “Find the Work that Fits Your Life” at every age and stage through her 9 Lives for Women award-winning blog and consultancy. This article, “Peace Talks for the Mommy Wars”, previews work+life perspectives she shares in her upcoming book, No Regrets: A Reality Check on Work, Motherhood and Long-Term Financial Security.