An Honest Message From Your IT Guy

Hello from the Nerd side of the fence!

I was recently reading about some of the standard things IT guys go through and it has inspired me to write a message from your IT guy. Yes, s/he really is thinking these things. I promise.

Please don't lie to me. It's pathetic. Apparently I'm smart enough to fix every computer problem the entire staff can come up with, but I'm too dumb to realize that your monitor / computer / phone / tablet did not throw itself at high velocities onto the floor.

While your excuses for how "SquirrelLove.XXX" ended up in your browsing history shortly before a massive virus outbreak are endlessly entertaining (and shared amongst the other techs in a game of "Who Has The Most Pathetic Lie"), there are also pathetic.

Man up. You did it. You got caught. I'm going to help you out either way. Perhaps you could also use this embarrassment as a time to pause for personal reflection on some areas of personal improvement. Such as not taking your frustration out on expensive electronic devices.

No. Your company doesn't trust you. For good reason. I know that you're pure as the wind-driven snow, but there are some inescapable facts that persist about those other employees. Such as the fact that, without any filtering active, porn is *always* the #1 use of bandwidth on a companies network. And that "small accessories" (laptop chargers, cables, any parts of wireless keyboards/mice, etc.) seem to disappear on a regular basis.

I know that these are all small items, but the way your company sees it, if you're going to steal / "extendo-borrow" / outfit your home with low cost IT equipment, what are the chances that you are *not* going to steal anything that isn't bolted down? Er...I mean those other employees. Not you.

It's really not your computer. Yes, I know that it is moving slowly again. I'm sure that it isn't the 20MB cool moving picture file you've chosen as a background that the computer has to constantly redraw. Or the audio / video streaming you've gotten hidden in the background. Or the 5 chat applications you're running.

It's really not your computer. I know that your e-mail / Word / application-vital-to-your-productivity-that-you-blamed-to-explain-to-your-boss-having-done-nothing started working when I walked up, but it never works any other time.

Let's make a deal. I won't tell your boss what you're really doing if you figure out some new stories that don't involve IT to explain what's not happening. I hear sickness is a popular one.

It's really not your computer. I know the company wants it attached to you at all times just in case they decide that some report is vital at midnight. I get that your boss has flashes of brilliance that require you to create a new spreadsheet / chart / presentation within 18 1/2 minutes and so you've learned to always have your laptop within reach. I get it - I promise.

However, it really isn't your computer. No, you can't load / view / configure it any way you want to. Putting giant camo skull stickers on it doesn't make it any more yours. Yes, most any IT guy can see everything on it and no amount of yelling will fix that (although it might make some guys want to look even more).

And since I will admit that there are unscrupulous IT guys with too much time on their hands in some companies, yes I really would put a piece of tape over the built-in camera.

Yes, we think those password requirements are ridiculous, too. I know the requirement to have no word recognizable in any language as part of your password is perhaps a little overkill. Yes, I agree that a minimum password length of 32 characters might be going overboard. And I recognize (and try to explain to the IT security guys) that the more complex the password is, the more likely it is going to be written on a Post-It on the bottom of the keyboard.

On the other hand, there are limits as to what we All-Powerful Nerds can do. Complaining piteously to me every time you have to change your password won't change policies or fix your problem. No, you shouldn't tell me what your password is because I don't care and will forget it in 30 seconds. I don't need your password to gain access to your computer.

Lastly, while we're on passwords, please pick something non-embarrassing. StudMuffin01 is going to be pretty embarrassing to tell me if I need to log in as you. And you can bet I'm going to ask you to speak up and say it louder, even though I heard you say, "ImAPrettyPrincess!" loud and clear.

And yes, I can pick a password for you that both of us will remember for a long time to come, but you probably don't want me to, DrBrainFog#1.

Brian T.

Morphing into a Public-interest technologist

8y

You forgot the minor (non-technical) manager who REALLY, REALLY needs to run as Administrator while he's ordering stuff from Amazon.

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John Ludlow

Senior Software Developer at Clinisys Solutions

8y

"And since I will admit that there are unscrupulous IT guys with too much time on their hands in some companies, yes I really would put a piece of tape over the built-in camera." Actually I have the urge to put my face right up to the camera while picking my nose.

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Chris Williams

Broadcast Media Professional

9y

here in England UK December 2012 befor I was going to go to Utah on the East Midlands news they had were there was a lieing competition some part of Nottingham in a pub it was not mentiond but it had writing going a long the bottom of the screen saying polititions need not apply as they have had too much practice emt@bbc.co.uk can fill you more on that I guess an honest one would have been better but such as things went(probbably not what polititions would have wanted to see)

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Kent Sweigart, Ed.D.

Educational Technology Leadership

9y

Well done... (But it's Facilitator, not Faciliator...)

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Aaron Koch

IT Systems Administration at Washington State Department of Social and Health Services

9y

This is entertaining, but as several of the other comments below point out, I believe the author is looking at his job the wrong way. I find that most peoples' frustration with technology stems from the fact that their bosses require a lot from them, and to do their job they are at the mercy of a small complicated electronic box that they don't trust or fully understand. This usually generates fear. I make it my mission as a support professional to take EVERY opportunity to take the fear out of technology, and find that when my users don't react in fear, they make VERY smart decisions. We all need to rely on horrendously complicated and buggy code running on billions of transistors in an imperfect world to get our work done, and as long as you go into it knowing that stuff happens, it takes the sting out. Oh, and I may pick on my users a bit, but I'm blessed to have users that don't try to break stuff, and I really try to stay approachable about any issue. I'd much rather hear about something that may be small now and catch it before it turns into something large later, rather than have a user be afraid of ridicule and condescension and ignore a problem that could cause significant downtime if not addressed early. Last thought, I would NEVER ask for one of my users' passwords.. I can always reset them if needed, and I don't want to know ANYTHING that I don't NEED to know.

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